As many of you probably are aware, Joshua and I are no longer Louisianians...but we have moved back up the east coast to upstate South Carolina to start a new season of life!
When we moved up here to our new apartment in Greenville last week I had arranged to take the entire week off in order to get our apartment all settled and straightened before I started work on Monday. However, we found out the movers wouldn't be bringing our things until the Wednesday AFTER I started work and my original plans were put the window.
So I spent the week in our empty apartment.
Besides the time it gave me with my lovely sister (who stayed with me for half the week to put me out of my loneliness) it also gave me a lot of time to reflect over my time at the Geismar site. Thinking about lessons I had learned and mistakes I had made helped me to focus on how I want the next nine months in my new position to be even better. My time at Geismar was not the easiest. I learned a lot of things about myself and about the people around me, how to relate and not to relate, where I am weak and where I am strong, and bad habits that I have. I wanted to put a few of those things down on paper (well...pixels) and share them with you.
In no particular order:
1. I like to be busy. As crazy as it sounds coming from a Georgia Tech grad, I have discovered that I thrive off of a full schedule and a wide array of tasks to complete. Don't get me wrong...I don't exactly miss the 'ohmygoshicantevenfindtimetositdownandbreatheproperlyletalonetypespaces' pace that Georgia Tech was constantly pushing me towards but I like having a full plate. I think I was like that in high school but had forgotten in the frenzy of college.
Now, at first, I was overjoyed by the casual pace of my role in Louisiana, it was such a blessed change from classes and homework, but eventually I really chaffed against it and began to feel drained and lazy. I felt Idle and was very easily distracted. I wish I had done more to get additional tasks in my job and been more proactive instead of stuck in my habits. This leads me to #2.
2. I would like to be more assertive. (This was one of the biggest pieces of criticism I received during my final evaluation and you know it's always peachy when others notice your weaknesses too.) I think that it took me a while to learn to view my coworkers as peers. My whole life until now, my peers were people who were (relatively) my same age and people who were older than me were (usually) to some extent an authority figure. My peers have been people who have come from the same generation as I do and share the same culture. It's been a strange transition for me to suddenly have peers that are my parents' age, my professors', my grandparents' age. Throw in the fact that they all have way more experience than I do and you begin to piece together my intimidation. I found it uncomfortable to put confidence behind my ideas or to make my voice be heard. What if I'm wrong? What if my idea is stupid? Or has been tried before? I have only recently started to feel like an engineer and not an intern and one of my goals for this next assignment is to intentionally assert myself with my ideas, with my needs (like wanting more work), and with my concerns. Because they are valid and should be treated as such.
3.I don't know if Scott Berninghaus even reads this blog...but I've been reminded over the last few months how truly introverted I am. It comes out most when I feel out of place or intimidated and is less obvious when I feel accepted, comfortable, and safe. But saying that I am introverted is not an excuse to be less social and less intentional to make meaningful connections with the people around me, which is what I'm afraid happened in Louisiana. It was so easy to become close with the other young engineers in my program that lived in Baton Rouge with me, but with the people that I saw everyday and worked with it was easier to not try and I am ashamed of that thought. I don't want to be the kind of person who only likes people who like them or only loves people who are nice to them. It's the easy and logical mentality for sure but I believe Jesus has called me to more than that.
So I've boiled down most of my self-reflections into these three things. I am viewing my new role as a fresh start with new people and new challenges. I want this season of work to be different, to be deeper and more satisfying. I want to grow and change and I wanted to discover why the Lord has led Joshua and I here, to this city and to these positions.
If you think about it, please pray for me. It's been more difficult on my spirit to leave the comfort of home that I imagined. And if you see me, please hold me accountable to these growing goals. They are not easy changes to make to a lifestyle and I serve a God who takes the difficult and impossible paths and makes a way for me to walk down them...but I still have to walk.
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